I come home. And within less than half an hour of being home:
- I remember my dad had two brain aneurysms. And he’s regressing.
- I remember my mom just got diagnosed with breast cancer. And it’s not good.
- I learn my sister gets to drive to Raleigh this weekend with some boy from GSW — something I would’ve never been allowed to do.
- I remember I only get paid once a week, at less than minimum wage, and I need to save my money.
- I remember I have to get up tomorrow and put on a happy face.
- I charge my phone, only to find out it’s frozen on me, prompting a “this is why we can’t have nice things” lecture from my dad.
- I learn my grandmother’s coming next week, and I have to go into hiding again.
- I remember I’m away from Tami, and Sandi, and Fullam, and Kayley, and Mary, and Maddie, and Pierzga, and Susan. And I miss Boone like hell.
ANNNNNNNND TO TOP IT ALL OFF:
- I find out I’m not loved
like I hopedlike I thought I was.
It’s been a fucking great night.
The crash is coming soon. I can feel it.
Fuck everything.
The amount of support I need right now is ridiculous.
^HINT.
Today in therapy, my group suggested I write an angry letter to my parents to let out some pent-up stress I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve never done anything like that before, so I figure it’s worth a shot.
Please forgive the anger/angst/stress that will be exuding from my tumblr sometime within the next 72 hours.
Thank you.
(Source: fyeahartstudentowl)
HE’S OKAY.
My dad had the hiccups tonight. The fucking hiccups.
Jesus Christ I thought I was going to die.
They were shaking him so violently, and he couldn’t get rid of them, and he said they made him dizzy. He switched into I-need-to-get-into-bed-mode, and something in his vision didn’t seem right. I mentally lost my dad tonight. He was gone from me… All because of the hiccups. The fucking hiccups. I was so scared… He wasn’t himself.
I thought he was going to be sick, like when he got hiccups in the hospital. He kept grabbing at his head. I thought he was having another seizure. Or a stroke. I thought he was going to die.
I tried to talk to him like business as usual. “What’re your plans for tomorrow?” or “How was seeing Dave today, hm?” All I got in response was a lot of empty, disoriented stares, and some mumbling… that probably sounded like a logical response in his head. He’s been doing so well…
My mom had washed the sheets and seemed not to be panicking about the speed at which we needed to get my dad into bed. I was going as fast as I could: unfolding sheets, stuffing pillows into pillowcases, fluffing comforters… If Dad’s brain wanted sleep, God knows, it was going to get some damn sleep as soon as I could provide it. And then… I needed to get out of that room. I had to get out.
I feel so ashamed, every time I want to leave my dad in my mom’s supervision. It’s like I’m abandoning him. It’s like I don’t love him enough to stick around when he’s not himself. But that’s just it. He’s not himself. He’s not my father. He’s a stranger. I can’t communicate anymore with a man who’s not my father. I don’t recognize him. I don’t love him.
I just want to be able to run out of the room… have someone else take care of Dad during his episodes, and have me come back and see him, bright-eyed, sitting up, talking to me about FAFSA, or my Honda, or that song I just played on the piano.
Please… Please… Just let me get through this. Please. Let him get through this. I can’t live the rest of my life this way.
Stress does not help my sexual frustration. Fuck these finals or fuck me. Really, either would be a great help.
If only we went to that sex school in Vienna. Then studying WOULD be sex!
(Source: firsthotcupofbreathing)
I will not read our old fb messages. I will not look at all the pictures you untagged. I will not do it. I will not cry. I will not be sad. I will not move backwards. Only up and forward. I will continue moving on. I will. The stress in my life, while partially your fault, will not lead me to blame you. Because it is not your fault. This is life. This is how it happens. This is how we walk along this journey. But I will not walk. I will dance.
This is exactly how I feel a good majority of the time when I remember I have lost what was the closest thing I ever had to a soulmate.
To my Tali.
(Source: firsthotcupofbreathing)
Earlier today, when going to get food with some of my mom’s friends (hospital food — not so bad)… I heard the beautiful sound of a piano wafting from the lobby. I was too hungry to investigate, so I decided to put it off until a better time.
Later in the day, my mom, aunt, and I walked into the lobby to stretch our legs, and I saw the piano. I walked up to it, trying to see if anyone could play it. Next to it, there was a sign that said “This is a piano for professional performers on specific days of the week. This is also a community piano for staff, patients, and visitors to Duke Hospital. Please share your talents with us.” I took that as an open invitation. The piano was a Boston, baby grand, probably a 6-footer, but it was a godsend in that hospital. I was so happy to see it, I plopped right down, found a hymnal and some sheet music, and started to play.
I played for over two hours.
During the course of those two hours, I met lots of people. Some just tipped their hats or gave silent applause as they walked away to their individual rooms. Some sang along with the hymns quietly or talked to their relatives about memories related to the songs.
One lady I talked to sat very close to me with her husband. They were both 84 and their son had just had heart bypass surgery and was recovering upstairs. The wife of the couple picked out several songs to sing and we sang together for a good half hour.
Another guy came up and played a song for me, asking him to help analyze his chord structure and pick some new chords to spice up his song. He and his fiance were at Duke because their baby had some sort unexpected immune issue. I think it was SIDS. He said the doctor told them that if they had been twenty minutes later in bringing in their baby, he would’ve died.
It was while I was playing piano and interacting with these people that I remembered how many other people out there are like me, and the fact that everyone has been young and will be old at some point. Everyone has hardships, and everyone has the best times of their lives. Time passes. Time flies… And I just had this overwhelming sense of understanding and peace with the world.
That’s what music does for me. It brings me closer to humanity. Always, without fail. There should be musical instruments everywhere, especially in public places. Music is just one of those things that draws people together. I don’t know what I would do if that piano wasn’t there today. You say piano; I say STRESS RELIEF.
He knows I’m stressed.
I’m so tired of being tired. I’m tired for primarily two reasons.
The first and most obvious is my physical tiredness… not sleeping, just starting at the ceiling, getting trapped in my own head, etc. All the muscles in my body are all really sore too, especially in my neck and legs. I feel like I might pass out at any second, which I’ve never done. (So how do I know what it feels like?!) I’m eating fine, and going to bed at a decent hour… so… I really don’t know what’s going on. Having to be up, alert, and ready, especially for work, social events, and school in general is taking a severe toll on me. I also have found lately that I don’t want to be hugged/touched/otherwise contacted, so the de-stressing that comes with those things is lost. I’m finding all touching really annoying right now, and that’s so unlike me.
The second is my emotional tiredness, mostly attributed to my dad and his whole condition. It’s exhausting to constantly worry about whether or not your dad will be alive tomorrow. Additionally, I’m stressing about all of my relationships, worrying if I see my friends enough and I’m living up to what I could be/should be to them. I’m dealing internally with a lot of emotional stress concerning a couple of my relationships as well, and I know exactly how to “fix” them… I’m just putting it off, because if I take action right now, it will only increase the amount of mental chaos I’m having to deal with right now.
So yeah. That’s me in a nutshell right now. Tired. Drained. Exhausted. Otherwise inhibited from carrying on a normal daily routine… or life in general.
I desire great amounts of alone time, cake with buttercream frosting, and a long, hot bath… Although I know for a fact, I won’t be getting any of these things.
