I haven’t been on here in a million years because all I do is work and school and it’s really hard to tumble when the computer you sit at all day is visible to nearly every walk-in that comes through the door. I’m not afraid of people judging the nudies that pop up on my dash; I just don’t want to lose my job because of it. I still need as much money as I can possibly get.
I feel like this summer could be good. Even just seeing everybody last weekend helped me feel reconnected, which is something I’ve needed lately. I need to socialize. I need to get out more.
I walk into the Center for my one shift a week and I can’t help but get exhausted. Part of me doesn’t want to go back in the fall. Part of me knows that I need to. Chances are, I will. They’ll need me. I’ll need them. It’s that whole symbiotic relationship kind of thing, you know.
I’m so frustrated lately because I’m so ready to be my goal weight. People keep telling me how good I look and how much happier I seem and how much better I look in my clothes… but I just can’t accept it. Not yet. And it’s not like getting down to my goal is going to be some breakthrough event or something. I just want to know that I can do it and that my body is capable of it. I want to know that I can still be as pretty as I was in high school. And until I get there, I’m going to brush off or shy away from any compliment that’s given to me. I feel like i can’t help it, and for anyone I’ve possibly offended, I’m sorry. This is just something I need to do for myself. Once I know I can, I’ll be able to listen to all of you again. You’ve helped me through so much already, and I can’t thank you enough for it.
I feel like I might be the only one who’s ready to get out of here. I’m stoked about turning 21 and completing senior year and going through all the ceremonies and stuff, but I’m more excited, I think, about actually being in the real world. I know that terrifies most people but god… I can’t wait to not have a desk job and get out here and start proving myself “for real.” I’m ready to be a leader again, and I’m so tired of the routine that just seems to accompany college life. I’m ready to grow and advance and achieve and succeed and make a difference. Sure, I can do that here, but I can only get so far in the world of glorified academia.
Other thoughts for the night?? Um… I’ve started having a “healthy” obsession (pun intended) for organic food. I think I’ve been to EarthFare three times in the past week and I’m proud of myself for finally getting in there and getting jazzed about “real food.” It was intimidating a few years ago to walk in. It was very overwhelming. Now everything in there is awesome and I can understand what the labels and stuff mean. I think right now, the kids cereals are my absolute favorite.
My cat is still as cute as ever. He’s big now. And on nights like this where it’s rainy and gross, I’m so glad I have him.
I’m grateful for my girlfriend too. I won’t say much on her right now for fear of boring everyone with sappiness and butterflies and shit. But I think we’re both managing the distance thing as well as we can. She still loves me. I still love her. She makes me happy every day. She’s my best friend.
Goodnight to you all, and have a beautiful weekend. (Frankly, I just wanted to assure all of you that I was still alive.)